When I first moved to California, I officially became a valley girl. I lived with eight other people that I had never met. I slept on a two story air mattress that got a hole in it after I slept on it once. With another person. And we didn’t even have sex. I started a ‘job’ which involved getting dirty, helping kids, and painting things. I made around $800 per month and used food stamps. I was exhausted all. the. time. but had been having trouble sleeping since before I left New York. My mom had some really great advice for me on how to battle it.
Where: Fancy upscale restaurant in Hartford, CT right after a 90 minute pilates session.
When: The night before I got on a plane to move to Los Angeles
My mom: One thing that is really going to help you while you’re in California is keeping healthy both physically and mentally. Since you’re getting food stamps you could use those to buy nice fruits and vegetables.
(she had been making little disgusted innuendos about the weight I had gained for over a year)
Me: Yea, I know, but it’s been really hard for me to stay motivated and exercise because I’m always so tired.
Mom: I thought you were sleeping better now?
Me: On and off, but most nights I just can’t fall asleep.
Mom: Well, do you have a mantra?
Me: What?
Mom: Like something you repeat over and over.
Me: I know what a mantra is.
Mom: Well it might help to have one. Like this… (closes eyes, puts hands over heart) breathe innnnn the heart. Breathe outttttttt the mind. Breathe innnnnnn the heart. Breathe outttttttttt the mind.
Me: Mmm, I see.
(There’s no fucking way I’m saying anything remotely like that as I attempt to fall asleep with a naked man in my bed.)
Mom: Also, well, not to get personal or anything…
(Let’s be real honest. Whenever someone says ‘not to get’ anything, that means they will.)
Mom:…but masturbating can help.
Um, WHAT? My mom and I talk about so much stuff together, from when I asked her to take me to the doctor before losing my virginity to when my friend got alcohol poisoning at 4am. I would tell her vague details of my first sexual experience with my long-term boyfriend, but would NEVER EVER talked to her about my more recent rampant sexual behavior, let alone masturbation which I had fallen in love with just a few months prior.
Me: Actually masturbating gives me energy sometimes.
Mom: Yea, it can do that, but it can also relax you.
The masturbation expert speaks.
Me: Mmm…
Mom: Plus it feels really good.
<shoving food down my throat, moving silverware around, taking another sip of wine, dying to move on to another topic..>
Mom: I have a vibrator!
Me: Me too!
Silence. Oh my god. So awkward. How can this conversation even continue?
Mom: Mine’s really old.
Me: Like, it plugs into the wall?
Mom: Yea!
<ohmygodareyoufuckingkiddingme>
Me: Cool!
And that’s how I learned where my rampant sexual behaviors come from. It’s funny how these things work out. Just when you think you know everything about someone something like this happens and you start to wonder what ELSE you don’t know about everyone else you know. Any confessions??
Listening to: Johnny Cash – Get Rhythm
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Oh. my. God.
Oh my god. I think I would have drank my whole glass(es) of wine in one gulp if I ever ended up in THAT conversation with my Mom (although we did have a convo recently about strap-ons, but thankfully it was NOT in reference to either of our sex lives!). Totally awkward conversation but your Mom sounds pretty cool.
PS. I love your new “home”. The header is hot!! xo
My mom once told me to always wear condoms…. “even if the guy doesn’t want to, like your dad always says….” OMFG STOP NOW.
I have a vibrator that plugs into the wall too because batteries are just so damned difficult to deal with
I found my mom’s diaphragm once.
My soul died that day.
#TMI THURSDAYS oh no
Skinny Dip – OH GOD the horror of the mental image of a mom wearing a strap-on… but I’m glad to know that convo wasn’t based on the actual experiences of you or your mom. Although I’ve always been curious about those…
THANK YOU for the compliments Lilu did such an amazing job!!!
June – But what if you need to use it in other places? Like the shower? Or the airplane? I guess you can get a separate one for that. I just bought an economy sized pack of batteries so I won’t have to worry about it for at least a little while
And OMG EW. It’s way worse hearing about the sexuality of your DAD than your mom. I found a box of condoms in my parents’ room once when they were still together. GROSS!
Lilu – I don’t even know what a diaphragm looks like! Was it a *used* diaphragm? God. Aren’t moms supposed to be, like, better at hiding things from people like their daughters?? Talking about it is one thing. I would be MORTIFIED if I actually SAW something like that. Ga-ross.
Dan – Ahh this WOULD have been a good one for TMIThursdays. But of course, there’s lots more where THAT came from…
OMG. That is hilarious. The last time I talked to my mom about masturbation was when she caught me doing it…when I was 8 years old (who knew kids – aka me – that young did that? who knew I’d ever admit that?). That was mortifying enough; I think I’d die if she referred a sex toy.
Also, love love love the new layout (and this font!) and I’m so pumped to have a link! Yay! Your link’s updated on mine, too.
Woot Woot Hartford, CT reference!
I can’t even imagine having that type of conversation with my parents. wow.
Like you, I talk to my mom about most things. But I CANNOT imagine talking to her about THAT stuff. Just ick. Gross. And just awkward. I’m sorry you had to live through that. I’m sure both of you learned your lesson though to not bring that up to each other unless you want the long-ass awkward silences. Haha!
When I was a teenager, maybe 14 or so, my mum told me that vibrators could cause you to loose sensitivity. Out of the blue. We weren’t even talking about sex. I don’t know if we were even having a conversation. It was very awkward. And gave me total issues. Didn’t stop me from running to a sex shop as soon as I was 18 though. The pocket rocket was the most amazing thing to ever happen in my life.
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