This week has been all sorts of crazy and I apologize for the brief hiatus in posting. I won’t begin to tell you all about the crazy. Yet. Because first I need to tell you about the rehab. From my Addiction. And no, I’m not talking about my addiction to porn or crack. Although I’ll have to work on those soon. If you don’t know about my Addiction already you should read this first, and then this. If you do know about him, here’s the latest:
Recently, we met up at a bar. I showed up after a gallery opening, pink with the glow of several glasses of Cabernet. He pulled me into him as I walked through the door, grabbing my face, kissing me, and confessing, ‘I’ve missed you.’
We continued to drink and catch up about the week we had been apart. I told him I’m quitting my job and flying to India to train elephants (false). He told me he’s quitting his job and booking a national tour with his band (also false). We shared our fantasies. He said all the right things. The ‘I love you’ and ‘you’re perfect for me’ and ‘I’m not crazy anymore, really.’ To which I responded, ‘I know,’ ‘I know,’ and ‘that’s not true at all.’ Because he is still crazy and everyone knows it and it really doesn’t matter what I do or say anymore because it’s always going to be the same thing:
‘I love you, I’ll always love you, but I just can’t be with you right now.’
And as I’ve been sitting here waiting for ‘right now’ to be in the past, I’ve been watching my life fade away, riddled with missed opportunities and missed connections. I’ve been stuck on the notion that he’ll come around soon, that he just needs some space, that it’s worth waiting, and that it’s not that bad.
Actually though? It is. It’s awful. Waiting, hoping, wishing for someone to feel the same way you do is one of the most painful and worthless feelings ever. And Nicole helped me realize that everything either is or it isn’t. Either you love someone or you don’t. Either it’s worth it or it’s not. Either it’s right or it isn’t. And if it ever isn’t? You move on. You make the decision to accept that this is just not right right now and you take your bright smile and your sexy bod elsewhere. And it’s hard. And it’s totally shitty. And you might lose your cell phone because you have to make your friends take it away from you when you’re drunk so you don’t spiral back into the ‘I miss you’ and ‘let’s play’ and ‘I want to make out with you right fucking now!’ But you don’t complain about it. And you don’t resent it. Because you made the decision to look around a different corner for something that’s right and now? It IS.
So now I’m ready for a new Addiction. Maybe it’s a new boy, but I hope that it’s something more. Like a new city. Or a new hobby. Or a new vibrator. Or maybe just a new penis. As long as it’s not attached to an ‘I love you I swear I’m not crazy’ boy. Those boys can all go be indecisive and immature somewhere else. Unless their crazy complements mine and they are insanely in love with me. And they’re also addicted to porn and crack. And they don’t wear tighty whities. And they like drinking excessively during the day. Then maybe I’ll let them hang.
Listening to: Passion Pit – Sleepyhead
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Stay strong! It’s easy to backtrack–I know…but you’re worth waiting out the very right thing for *you*.
Wait, Nicole told you that it is *or* it isn’t? I would have bet any amount of money that her advice (and mine, drunkenly) would be that it is *and* it isn’t. That’s the… what do you call it?… a New Way.
Ha, big ups to Dan’s comment. Also? It will be a new city, because you’re moving here. Done. The end.
“And they like drinking excessively during the day.”
This is pretty much my test for everyone in life.
Her – Thank you!! I’ll need all the support I can get
Me – Stop drunkenly reading my blog. Just kidding. Drink more! And it just IS right now. Because I say so.
Nicole – YES YES YES YES.
LiLu – It’s too bad everyone can’t be as awesome as us. They’re really missing out.
NOT A NEW CITY.
I’m gonna go ahead and add “tighty whities” to the out of control funny words and/or phrases that I’ve never seen written until now. I never would have guessed. I know this is a heavy post, but you’re too money to be caught up in addiction. Stick to things like excessively drinking during the day and finding attractive dudes that wear boxers.
Schmeggie – CONVINCE ME TO STAY!
Simon – Oh, I plan to. You can help. And I actually prefer boxer briefs. Black Calvin Klein ones, thankyouverymuch. Glad you’re here btw
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