Disclaimer: If you don’t want to watch porn (right now), don’t click on any of the links below.
If you’re not sure? Click them. Definitely.
Oral sex was not always my cup of tea. In fact, when a guy would go down and try it, I would usually entertain it for a few minutes, and then pull him back up. Make him come kiss me, and let me suck his cock, and then just fuck me. Hard. I would give him an A for effort, and never speak of it again. My friends would say, ‘REALLY??’ and I would say, ‘Yes…’ and they would say, ‘You OBVIOUSLY haven’t had good oral sex before!’ And I would say, ‘That has nothing to do with it!’ And then I would think, well maybe it does. Because what if it does? And how am I going to face the fact that I am such a sexual person and don’t like oral sex because all the guys I had ever hooked up with may have been good with their cocks, but were awful with their tongues??
And therein lies the problem. We blame all the guys for being ‘bad’ at giving girls head, talking about how they never know what they’re doing, and how they should get their goddamn shit together because they all fucking suck.
That? Is false. The actual problem is that vaginas, like snowflakes, are all different.
(Yes, I just compared vaginas to snowflakes. But it’s true.)
They look different, they feel different, they smell different, and they taste different. Therefore, it’s impossible for men to adopt a one-size-fits-all approach to oral sex. And it’s time for US to take some responsibility. We, as females, don’t always know what we like, which is totally acceptable, but totally annoying. We know what feels good, but we don’t know how to explain it because we’re not actually down there performing. Unless we’re bi-sexual. Or lesbians. Or just love munching the rug. Or we MASTURBATE. Often.
Because most guys (in my experience) respond to the same things. They like the sucking. They like the ball play. They like some attention to the tip. And they like different motions and speeds. And if you wanted, I could probably give you a tutorial on how to make most guys lose their shit. But most girls? Not the same. Which doesn’t really matter to anyone, but WE need to know it so that we can communicate it to our partner. I, for one, need both clitoral and g-spot stimulation to cum. And I need it to be pretty rough. Some girls, I have learned, can easily cum just from the clit. Yea, you know who you are. Lucky bitches. And SOME girls can squirt lots of cum out of their vagina hole over and over and OVER again in many different ways. Like it’s nothing. Oh yea, that’s the SAME GIRL in those last three by the way. Yea, I kind of have a crush on her. And by crush I mean I kind of want to BE her. Fucking genius.
I have a good idea of what I want now, but only because I started masturbating. While it’s still hard for me to explain it to someone else, I’m finally beginning to enjoy oral sex. Finally, as in the last time I had a guy over and he went down on me, my roommate said something about it the next day.
“Sounded like you had a good night last night,” he said, “emphasis on SOUNDED.”
And I don’t fake it. Nice.
I’m still jealous of all the squirting girls though. Because they make it look so easy. And so hot. And they have mind-erasing-entire-body-shaking orgasms that make them lose control of all thought and movement and I FUCKING HATE ALL OF THEM FOR THAT because that has only happened to me TWICE in my life and I’m starting to feel like it’s never going to happen again unless this guy comes to my house and makes me eat pumpkin seeds and bananas and tells me how babies are born.
Or unless someone buys me the Sqweel, which is a mechanical device that has ten tongues on a wheel that go around and around against your clit and supposedly give you mind-blowing orgasms. Sounds pretty great, right?
By the way, this is a TOY, and is not to be confused with getting head from an actual person, because it’s not ten ACTUAL HUMAN TONGUES that go around and around your vagina constantly until the battery runs out. In case you were wondering. But wouldn’t THAT be nice?
Listening to: Young Money – Bedrock
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
…unless this guy comes to my house and makes me eat pumpkin seeds and bananas and tells me how babies are born.
Bahahahahhaha.
I mean, AT SOME POINT, he needs to come over. Like, now.
Goddddd, I loved this post, by the way.
Yes. Yes yes yes. I fucking love you.
So, if you had a boyfriend that could do that, would you give up work?
How did that pumpkin seed dude do it without getting a boner?
And for as magical as he was with his hands…his kissing seemed quite awkward. but i guess at that point you ladies don’t care.
i totally had no idea what i was missing in the oral sex department until i started dating my current boy…and HOLY SHIT, i was missing out….
and yes i squirt….fingering usually does the trick ….
Holy shit, a man who could perform good head basically can ask me anything,
Too much info? haha. Curious about the sqweel btw.
jen – Not sure which ‘work’ you’re referring to, but maybe?
LA Idiot – How do you know he didn’t have a boner? And yeah, nothing else really matters if you could make me do THAT.
imerika – SO JEALOUS OF YOU. God. Give me a piece of Blog Boy. Just kidding…
andhari – RIGHT?? I’m going to try and get one soon. I’ll get back to you.
I’ve met two guys in my past that gave amazing head *from*the*get*go* -no instruction required. Later I found out the reason they were so good was because they both had had lots of practice–they were both already in 8 year relationships with other people (and cheating on their respective partners with me. total bummer). I’m sure after eight years of pleasuring the same woman you learn a few things. The upside is that now I know what I like and what works for me. The downside (besides the fact that I helped people commit adultery) is that now, I’m suspicious of any guy who is TOO GOOD in bed. ha!
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