The One Where I Have No Self-Control: Part 9,452,065

I’m moving soon into a new apartment with a bunch of boys I’ve never met. Okay, I’ve met one of them. He told me I would get along with the other two. So I’m moving in next week. I couldn’t resist the Wii and the roof with the couches and the beer pong table. What? I’m a teenage boy.

I’ve been in touch with the roommates through some occasional combination of email, text, and Facebook, but it’s been mostly about the logistics about my move-in and less about my vagina. Except for with one of the roommates. What? Yes. I’ve been talking to one of my new roommates who I’ve never met about my vagina.

It was casual conversation at first, the kind where you start to get to know someone but are trying to be polite. I don’t like that polite part, though. I like to cut straight to the chase. We were on Gchat, and he was telling me about this amazing hotel room he was staying at, and I told him I was getting wet just thinking about it. He was all, ‘That’s what she said,’ and that’s how we became best friends. Then I gave him my cell phone number and told him to send me a picture of his master suite. Then I sent him a picture of the show I was at. When he got back into town, I went out of town. When I got back into town, he left town again. We were sending picture messages with funny subject lines to each other for 5 days straight. We talked about everything we have in common from our love of Hank Moody in Californication to us both being lefties. Let me remind you that we’ve ‘known’ each other through technology for not even a week. And we’re basically soul mates. Yup.

There’s a bet going on in the new apartment, and even though I haven’t moved in yet, I’m totally in on it. Whoever has sex on the roof first wins. The only rule is that it can’t be with someone we’ve already had sex with. I clearly have to win. I am competitive by nature, and I hate losing. HATE losing. Especially with something like this. This is my GAME.

We joked about how funny it would be if we had sex with each other and won. He was all ‘Yea, I probably would have sex with you if you weren’t going to be my new roommate,’ and I was all ‘Whatever it’s fun!’ except completely joking because how awkward would it be to LIVE with someone you’ve SLEPT with and NOT marry them? It was all ha ha fun and games until I stalked him on Facebook only to find that he’s actually so hot and I ACTUALLY want to have sex with him and win the bet on the roof.

Fuck.

Then came the drinking.

I haven’t been drinking much since I’ve been really sick and practically dying, so last night, for the first time in about 2 weeks, I drank. Heavily. By myself. While watching Grey’s Anatomy. Typical Thursday night. My new roomie is in Canada, so we thought our nonstop texting would have to be on hiatus until he got back, but NOPE! Thanks to AT&T and the magnificent iPhone, we could take our inappropriate texting across borders. Great.

So, it’s late, we’re both drunk, and we’re texting back and forth about roof sex and Mexico and sunsets. Because we’re moving to Mexico together after we have roof sex and then having sex on the beach at sunset AND sunrise when we get there. I’m getting horny (clearly), so I pull out my pretty Jenna Jameson jeweled vibrator and turn on the giant boobed squirting videos. I’m naked, he’s drunk at the bar, and we’re texting about how he’s going to teleport me to Canada so that he can help me practice my squirting skills.

He comes back from the bar and tells me to get naked. BUT I ALREADY AM. So he comes online and we decide to video chat. But I’m not ready for this because I’m not completely healed from my last debacle. And we’ve only spoken to each other on the phone once. And we’ve never met in person. And we’re going to be LIVING TOGETHER in less than a week. And this is the worst idea I’ve ever had but I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL AND COULDN’T HELP SHOWING HIM MY BOOBS VIA THE INTERNET AND MY STUPID BUILT IN WEBCAM AND WHY CAN’T I JUST HAVE PENIS ALL THE TIME IN MY BED SO I DON’T DO THINGS LIKE THIS PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

Then he told me I make him happy, period, and that if I were next to him in the apartment he wouldn’t want me to go to my own room and CAN’T WE JUST WIN THE BET ALREADY???

See, I’m in a pickle here. Because we’re either going to live together and have sex all the time and be soul mates and never leave each other, or we’re going to have sex once on the roof and it’s going to be super awkward and one of us is going to fall in love and the other isn’t going to be able to bring anyone else home to fuck, and then one or both of us is going to have to move out. Or we’re going to meet and not even get along at all and all this fun and cybersex will be for nothing. OR we need to stop acting like frisky teenagers and start being actual adults who have will power and common sense. Or not…

Listening to: Lil Wayne vs. Lion King – Stuntin’ Like Mufasa