Where the Magic Happens

A little while back I was visiting Nicole and Jamie in San Francisco for some good old birthday drinking and masturbating. While I was there, we discussed some of my recent sexcapades, specifically the ones involving a boy who apparently had really wanted to sleep with me for a really long time. Like, YEARS. And then was ecstatic and told all his friends and parents when he finally did.

(Awkward.)

Jamie exclaimed, ‘Your vagina is like MAGIC. It’s where dreams come true!’

And that’s when my vagina became known as… wait for it…

THE DISNEY VAGINA.

Where the magic happens! The most wonderful place on Earth! Where imagination becomes reality!

Yea, you get it.

I’m not tooting my own vaginal horn. THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A BIG FUNNY JOKE AND MY VAGINA DOESN’T ACTUALLY HAVE PARADES GOING THROUGH IT WITH MINNIE MOUSE AND FIREWORKS. But it COULD be something like that if someone Vajazzles me for free. Like you or you or you.

Anyway. It has sort of escalated to the point where Liz and I say things like, ‘Once he had the Disney vagina, he couldn’t turn back,’ and ‘The semen is like when you get wet on Pirates of the Caribbean. Splish splash, it’s in your hair!’ and Nicole asking, ‘BUT THEN WHAT’S MY VAGINA GOING TO BE CALLED??’

(to which the answer is, clearly, The Glory Hole Vagina.)

So there’s that. And there’s also the fact that I can now blame everything on Walt Disney. Like the night when I decided to go to the bar with some friends and leave The Roomie at home with Gossip Girl. I was already a little tipsy and a lot horny, but couldn’t say anything around the other roommates and my friends. So I texted him soon after I left the apartment.

‘How do you feel about banging later?’ I asked. But then I realized I didn’t care how he felt about banging me, because I knew that I wanted to no matter what he said, so then, ’Or how do you feel about getting fucked?’ Because that seemed more appropriate for what I actually wanted to do to him.

He responded, ‘If you can get me awake and hard, we can bang.’

Ah. A challenge. Keep in mind that we’ve known each other in person for no more than one week and we’ve each gotten between 4 and 6 hours of sleep per night AT MOST since I moved in. And all we’ve both been wanting to do is sleep, but somehow that never happens. Not really sure why…

Regardless, I definitely couldn’t lose this one. Since we all know I never lose.

So I came home. Not sober. And still horny. He had been sleeping for at least a couple hours because he had stopped texting me back, so I didn’t feel bad taking my pants off, climbing on top of him, and kissing his neck. He could have locked the door if he didn’t want it, right? His breath was pretty gnarly, but mine probably was too after those Duck Fart shots, so I really didn’t give a shit. Next thing I knew, he was kissing me back, and OH HEY! His penis was hard. FTW!

So I removed anything that kept his pirate cock from being inside my Disney vagina, and I fucked him. And he was probably half-asleep and half-what-the-fuck-is-going-on but I STILL didn’t care because I got off and so did he and when you really think about all the things that matter in the world, getting off is pretty much the only thing next to global warming and healthcare reform that actually means anything to anyone.

‘I’m impressed.’ He said.

‘Thanks. And thanks for, um, that.’

(and then I felt a little bit like a hooker because he passed out and I left the room. but then I came back so whatever. orgasmorgasmorgasm.)

The next morning he texted me from work, ‘I’m still unsure how you managed to wake me last night.’ And I said something about having mad skills but what I really wanted to say was, ‘IT’S MY DISNEY VAGINA!!’ but I didn’t say that because, well, too soon?

Listening to: Florence + The Machine – Dog Days Are Over