The more I talk to boys, the more I realize that they’re pussies. I mean, I don’t really mean that. Okay, actually I do. Hear me out.
I feel like as a woman, I’ve been conditioned to believe that men are strong and women are weak, just as a general rule. Obviously this doesn’t apply to everything (it certainly does NOT apply to me), but for the most part, this ‘rule’ has shaped the way a lot of us act and interact with each other. Like this:
Girl gets dolled up with a pretty dress, pink lips, and curled hair. Girl leaves the house and goes to the store. Girl struggles with shopping bags, purse, Blackberry, tiny dog, etc., etc. Guy sees girl struggling. Guy comes to the rescue. Girl acts all damsel in distress and lets guy hold her bags/purse/dog/boobs. Guy becomes knight in shining armor. Girl swoons. Guy plays it cool, asks her out on a date. Girl agrees, giggles, looks all cute, and allows guy to make her look like a dumb, worthless idiot.
AND THEN I PUKE.
Because why do we have to make ourselves look like idiots so that boys will notice us? Help us? Ask us out on dates?? I can carry my own damn shopping bags. And I don’t have a tiny dog. And don’t get me wrong, I definitely know how to flirt my way into getting what I want. But it would be nice if a guy offered to help once in a while just because he’s nice, not because he’s trying to not look like a little bitch, even though I would probably say thanks but no thanks unless I’m as tired, sore, and hungover as I am right now because I actually would like someone to carry me from the bed to the couch to the kitchen. Or better yet make me breakfast in bed and massage my feet and put me on the roof with a cocktail and Lady Gaga on repeat.
Speaking of Lady Gaga, here’s the premiere of the ‘Alejandro’ music video:
Mmm Gaga. Yes. That was for you and you.
Because really, men are sensitive. They want to talk about their feelings sometimes. They want to have someone to do nothing with on a Sunday. And they also want to fuck girls, to ‘get it out of the system’ before they actually decide to settle down. Except it seems as though every time they try to do the single-sexbox thing, they start to have stupid feelings about shit and then immediately revert to the Fuck-you-I-don’t-give-a-shit-you’re-being-a-clingy-obnoxious-girl-and-I’m-a-MAN mode to make sure the girl doesn’t get the wrong idea. Even though part of them wants her to get that idea, but they’re just too immature to realize it.
Because really, they’re just pussies. And they’re scared of feelings. And HEY YOU! I’m over it.
This post was intended to be about something completely else, something a little more serious and real, but I’m too ADHD right now and I have no idea if anything I just said makes any sense because all I can seem to do today is listen to Lady Gaga and yell ‘ALE ALEJANDRO, ALE ALEJANDROOOOOOOO’ because this song was the theme song of all the sex I had this past week/weekend and there aren’t even enough words to describe all the sex except I’ll try again tomorrow and now you’re not going to be able to listen to this song without picturing me having wild bathroom sex on the counter, in the shower, bent over the toilet, and on my knees on the floor with multiple orgasms and a fake Spanish accent and the We Vibe! Weee viiiiibe! Okay, really, I’ll tell the whole story later and you’ll like it and you won’t think I’m completely spaztasic except actually you probably will because I am and OKAY I REALLY NEED TO LEAVE AND MAKE SURE MY BRUISES AREN’T GETTING WORSE AND MY VAGINA HASN’T FALLEN OFF YET K BYE!
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I, for one, want to know more about this bathroom sex WeVibe thing.
I’ve seen Hitch like 42 times. I know how to get chicks.
Ok, no I don’t. I downloaded a Natalie Merchant song to help me out.
“Girl acts all damsel in distress and lets guy hold her bags/purse/dog/boobs.”
LOL
I do believe you mean feeeeeeeeeeeeelings.
I’m just going to say AMEN to this whole paragraph:
“Because really, men are sensitive. They want to talk about their feelings sometimes. They want to have someone to do nothing with on a Sunday. And they also want to fuck girls, to ‘get it out of the system’ before they actually decide to settle down. Except it seems as though every time they try to do the single-sexbox thing, they start to have stupid feelings about shit and then immediately revert to the Fuck-you-I-don’t-give-a-shit-you’re-being-a-clingy-obnoxious-girl-and-I’m-a-MAN mode to make sure the girl doesn’t get the wrong idea. Even though part of them wants her to get that idea, but they’re just too immature to realize it”