I Went To A Strip Club!

Phew. It’s been a little bit. I had to come down from all the crazy before I could get myself to sit still long enough to write more than four words. Not like you care. You still love me! Right?

Right.

So I went to my very first strip club. MY VERY FIRST STRIP CLUB. Can you believe I’ve never been? I’m obsessed with pussy and pretty and all things sexual, but that doesn’t mean that everyone KNOWS these things, so no one has ever thought to take me to a strip club. Or maybe they’ve just assumed I’ve been to a billion strip clubs before and that going to another one wouldn’t be fun for me. Also, my idea for the best business ever was born from my biased opinion of what strip clubs are and what they aren’t, based on the fact that I had only heard ridiculous things but had never been to one. I didn’t want to taint my impression of what I thought they were, because I wanted to make mine unequivocally better in every way shape and form. But, alas, 3 bottles of champagne, 2 bottles of wine, and a sunny afternoon were the perfect combination to hit up the pussy bar at 2pm on a Tuesday. Actually, it was a pussy bar first and then a titty bar. Two strip clubs in one day!

Did I mention I love my life?

When I first walked in all I could think about was how dark it was and I already have really bad eyes and was I just hammered or was there actual pink vagina in this bar? Still wondering if this was a dream or real life, I took money out of the ATM, sat at the bar and put on my sex eyes, ready for the girl with the hot body and sexy lingerie to work her magic.

And here’s what I learned:

1. If there’s pussy, there’s no alcohol. Why? Men can’t help sticking things into vagina when they’re sober, let alone when they’re drunk? Too much good = evil? I’m not really sure.

2. If you’re already hammered drunk, you don’t need to buy alcohol, and you still get to see pussy. Win.

3. If you get someone else to pay the cover (because they’re not showing pussy for free, apparently), then all you need is a few dollar bills. Double win.

4. IT’S SO DARK. Am I blind? Does my drunk tunnel-vision make it SEEM like I’m in a hooker-perfume-infused sex-dripping cave? Or is this real?

5. If you pick up men from the street and pay for them to come to the strip club with you, then they will do anything you say, regardless of whether or not you’re wearing part of a Halloween costume or whether or not you’ve showered.

6. I especially like black strippers. Something about their soft skin and their smell and the smoothness of their moves. Oh, and their openness to women. Which is great because I also learned that…

7. I really like when strippers take my face and put it in their cleavage. Yea, I like motor-boating. Yea, I said it.

8. Strip clubs that don’t show pussy > strip clubs that do show pussy because even though you don’t see the inside of a girl’s vagina, you also don’t have to pay a cover. Also, where there is no pussy, there is alcohol. Specifically, there are two dollar alcoholic drinks. And when you check your credit card statement and find a $6.00 charge for Lenny’s Sports Bar and Grill you’ll know that…

9. Strip clubs use cover up names on their point of sales systems so that you don’t get caught by your wife/husband/parents/life partner for going to one of theses establishments.

10. If you tell one person it’s your birthday, all the strippers AND all the other people in the bar will find out and automatically feel completely comfortable touching you and your tits nonstop. They’ll also say hi to you when you go to the bathroom. And they’ll assume that because you’re at a strip club on your birthday, that you’re definitely a lesbian.

11. If you’re a girl and you run out of money, just flirt with the strippers. They’ll give you a show because you’re not a threat. And then men will come over and give you money to give to the strippers so they can watch a little girl on girl love. I mean yea, I made out with a stripper. Thank you to all the random men with dollar bills!

12. First, they will offer one lap dance for $40. Then, they’ll offer 2 lap dances for the price of one. Then they’ll see three girls, the only people giving money to the strippers, and they’ll announce not one, not two, but THREE LAP DANCES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! And then I’ll die inside a little because if I hadn’t spent all the money on tequila shots and beer, I would be able to afford this.

13. Someone should please put $40 in my stripper fund for next time. And don’t let me convince you I need it for anything other than a 3-for-1 lap dance. Thanks.

14. White girls can’t dance. Even the white girls that strip. Sad. But don’t worry all you aspiring Strippers for Africa. If you’re white, we can train you. And if that still doesn’t get you out of your white-girl-funky time, we can have a 80s theme night once a week. Or you can be a cocktail waitress. No dancing necessary.

Hold on. 80s theme night at a strip club? Did I just think of that? This idea just KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!

What else do I need to know? How can MY strip club trump all the strip clubs ever ever always??

I mean, I’m kind of joking. But also not. THERE’S JUST SO MUCH POTENTIAL! Wee sexy dancing! Hot lingerie! Lap dances! Masturbation on stage!

What?

STRIPPERS!

Don’t tell me you’re not getting horny. Just, don’t.

(speaking of the 80s) Listening to: Queen – I Want To Break Free