Warning: This post is sappy. That’s all.
I’ve been away from home for a while, and have been thinking more and more about the boy I care about the most. The one I always say I’m done with. The one who makes my head spin and my heart throb and my vagina wet. The one who’s been around for years now. But also the one I’ve never really had the chance to be with.
I can’t even talk about him enough because there is just SO much to say about our relationship (and you’ll definitely get bored). Every day is different with him. Sometimes he loves me and I am full of ecstatic pleasure. Other days he ignores me and I want to lay flat in a corner and invite rabid squirrels to eat my body limb by limb.
But looking back to when I first wrote about him, I realize it’s all the same. It’s all one big circle. And I am feeling that sharp tinge of jealousy when I see all the things he’s doing without me, the girls he’s meeting, the places he’s going. And although he has never really done anything to hurt me, I am always in pain because he won’t let it all go and grow up and allow me to love him.
I look back at the last time I wrote about him, the time I thought I was really and genuinely done with him, and I smile. Because while I thought I was making the decision to let him go, I was really making the decision to let myself go. To find a new distraction, a new Addiction. And I have. I’ve finally found a way to make time for myself, my friends, the things and places and people that I care about, and not let anything, including HIM hold me back. I’ve finally found a way to be selfish and not feel bad about it. Because when else am I going to have this time? When else am I going to be making my own money, living in my own place, driving my own car, and not have the responsibility of taking care of anyone but myself? When did I concoct the idea that I needed my Addiction to make me happy, to make my life worth living? When and where did we ALL get that idea??
Sometimes I say I’ve completely written off boys forever and I’ll never love anyone and I’ll only use them to get what I want forever and ever. That’s clearly not true. I love boys. I just think that I (and many girls I know) need to learn to take control of their feelings and not let boys (or anyone else) control them for me. I don’t want to sound like a raging feminist. I’m not. I don’t know what I am. I know I need balance. But when I feel like this, what I really think I need is a boy to love me. FOREVER AND EVER AND NEVER LET ME GO! Because won’t that make everything better?
No. It won’t. Shhh.
Then what will? Where’s my easy fix? Someone pour happy powder on me! I’m drowning!
Except the crazy thing is that I am happy. I love my friends. I love my work. I love my California life. So why does it always feel like something is missing? Is it that never-satisfied-even-when-things-are-totally-amazing syndrome? Or is it something else?
‘Home, let me come home. Home is whenever I’m with you. Ahh, home, let me come home. Home is when I’m alone with you.’
Listening to: Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros – Home
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m right there in the same boat with you. The guy. He just won’t let me love him. I’m happy, but I know I could be happier with him. It’s like what they say about having sex on ecstasy. It’s not that all the other guys in the world are worse. It’s that no one has what he and I have and when we are together, it is ecstasy. Even when we are at our worst.
But life is okay. So we just keep on living it. And have loads of fun with the girls!
Thank god for the girls. Boys are stupid. And scared. I hate them.
We all wonder about “the one that got away” every now and then and I totally have “never-satisfied-even-when-things-are-totally-amazing syndrome” too!! x
He hasn’t even gotten away quite yet, but I’m still always wondering no matter what happens…
first off? i love that song. LOVE.
second, i can totally relate to that sense of things are good but that ONCE piece is missing. everything would be perfect if at the end of the day i had the ONE boy to come home to and celebrate my victories or patch the wounds of a bad day. and the one person who’s victories i could share and troubles i could make better.
and then on the other hand i know the feeling of everything feels wrong why can’t i have that person?
i don’t know what it is. i feel like it’s a girl thing and it silly but, still, i’ve never been able to shake it completely.
It’s definitely a girl thing. But some guys have it too, and I wish my guy was one of them! Maybe someday he’ll realize that he’d rather have all of me than nothing at all.
So much of our twenties is figuring all of this out. Especially the “I’m going to control MY feelings, not let [any guy] control them” part. That part is so, so hard. I don’t have anything to say that will make any of it any easier, so I’ll only say great post, and I hope you feel better soon.
Does it get easier though? Is it just something that happens in our twenties or this how I’m going to feel forever? Maybe at some point I’ll just become an old cat lady with a drinking problem. I guess it wouldn’t be the worst thing!
I wanna be where your heart is home.
uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. we are human and we are always striving for more. i think that is our problem. even when things are really almost perfect, we always find something else to want, even though we do not NEED it.
But what about those people in developing countries who hardly have anything and are content with what they have? Is it because they’ve never had anything else? Are we cursed because we have the ability to have everything???
I’m moving to Africa.
I hear you. Loud and clear. Surround sound and clear.
I’ve never felt like I’m supposed to walk this earth alone. I know it sounds all dramatic and shit but it’s true…I’m an independent woman who is just really, really psyched to meet the guy who’s going to be with her forever.
Love has some sharp edges to be sure.
RIGHT? It’s not that I can’t be alone. I just don’t WANT to. And why should we? Alone is way more boring than together.
You’re right, we’re going through the same thing. And it really is an addiction. I’ve realized that I feel alright about letting him go when he’s trying to contact me. I need to know he still wants me. But when he stops texting me or calling me or whatever, I panic and cry and take him back. It’s stupid. It’s unhealthy.
Le sigh.
THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS! What is that?? Seriously. Why are we so attention-starved from these boys??? It IS stupid. And annoying. And at some point, I think we’ll realize that it’s not possible for us to ever really let them go.
Ahh! Such a perfect song, I literally played that song on repeat at least three times yesterday…that AND Katy Perry
On another note, I’m so proud of you and all of us women out there that realize the distinction between loving yourself alone and loving yourself when you’re with someone. I have had a hard time with this in the past. When you’re with someone for so long, we come to define one another and sometimes you get lost in the defining yourself without the other person part. I know this isn’t really where you are going with all this, but it does tie into the addiction aspect of a healthy/unhealthy relationship. I like to think in my perfect relationship, our traits combined with form a perfect person, but only because we are so different yet compatible. Am I even making sense? Anyways, just thoughts
And so happy you’re HOME!
I think you’re so strong for juggling all of this while being on a separate coast from this guy. It’s clear that he means so much to you, but even clearer that YOU mean so much to you, and that’s so very important.
It’s something that I often forget though. There needs to be a big sign somewhere in my house that says BE TRUE TO YOU or something cheesy like that so I always remember. And I guess until I find the balance I really shouldn’t be with anyone. Right? Sigh.