Sometimes a String…

Strange things happen when I’m about to get my period. One thing is that I get really sad. Sad and introverted. Like the world is crashing down on my head and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why. Then, of course, a week later I get my period and I’m all ‘OH THAT LITTLE BITCH’ because the feelings were just hormones, not depression. The other thing that happens is that I get really horny. And I think about all the things that feel good or have felt good in the past. And then I try and think about recreating those feelings, so I masturbate, but it’s completely impossible to replicate the exact feeling because I only have a vagina and not a penis. It’s unfortunate really, I could entertain myself so much easier if I had constant access to both. That’s also a really weird thought. If my vagina stayed where it was, where would my penis be? An extra appendage? Like a third arm? Or would it be in the place of one of my fingers? Or three of them? Would it be coming out of my forehead? I mean, would I have a lot of friends or none at all??

I mean this might be one of the weirdest fucking thoughts I’ve ever had.

Anyway, the third thing that happens when I’m about to get my period is that I think about the people who are okay having sex with a girl when they’re on their period, and the people who aren’t. I learned quickly that The Roomie was more than okay with it. “Extra lubrication,” he would say. But when you’re living with someone you share those things. When you’re first meeting them and are probably drunk and bleeding and horny you may not.

So I have some little tricks when dealing with a bleeding but also horny vagina. Obviously, I would never try this within the first 24 hours of my period because that’s when it’s the heaviest (for me at least), but the 2nd or 3rd or 4th day it works like a charm. Usually.

I’m not going to share those tricks today, because there are more important things to discuss. Like mishaps involving our little friend the tampon. I started thinking about this when my friend told me recently that she had a gentleman caller come to her bedside one night after a heavy night of drinking. He was on his way to getting her completely naked, and was about to go down on here when he stopped, looked up, and said, “Wait… there’s a string?”

She was so upset and embarrassed because she was drunk and forgot about her period. “Who forgets that??” She asked.

Well, there’s a question. Because I have. Forgotten, that is. Actually, everyone forgot really. The next day I woke up and remembered I had had my period the day before, but couldn’t remember if I used any of my tricks the night before. I looked around my bed for any indication of a tampon, but quickly forgot about the whole thing since my pounding hangover took over any kind of logical thought process. When I finally took a shower later, I decided to bring a toy in with me. Having little recollection of any orgasm from the night before, I figured I could use one or two. Well, let’s just say, I found the tampon.

Yeah. It was there. *In* there.

I happened to be sleeping with this guy pretty regularly, so the next time we saw each other I brought it up. “Yeah,” he said, “I kind of thought something felt a little rough, but I wasn’t sure.”

HOW ARE YOU NOT SURE? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A VAGINA FEELS LIKE? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A TAMPON IS? DIDN’T THAT HURT YOUR ACTUAL PENIS TO BE RUBBING UP AGAINST A TAMPON????

CHAFAGE MUCH????????

I mean, I don’t think I stopped sleeping with him at that moment, but I thought about it. Jesus. As much as I can’t believe it, I can kind of see how it happened. I mean at some level of drunkenness, you just don’t feel much. So I get it. What I really want to know though, is has anyone else had tampon terror stories? What are they?? Let’s all make my friend feel better about her string story by sharing them, shall we?

Listening to: Boyce Avenue – Teenage Dream (cover)