Remember When You Have a Wife? No? Well I Do.

I’ve been noticing a pattern in my dating/love life lately. Historically, I was the number one girl. The girl that the guy fell head over heels for, professed some kind of undying love for, and often brought up conversations of marriage and running away together and all that pretty fantasy-life stuff. My friends were always amazed at how I could get guys to go for me, when I seemingly never wanted to go for them. How guys would be willing to date me from 10 states away, even move across the country for me, and I would never let them. I was a single girl at heart. I didn’t want to be tied down anymore. And I expressed this to the world by getting naked and throwing myself around the bedroom for as long as it took, in exchange for those few moments when pleasure engulfed my body and any fear was shattered.

I’ve always heard that people can sense the “vibes” you put out into the world, even if they’re subconscious vibes. So, apparently, my slut vibe has been ROCKING with guys at bars for some time now. But the best part about it was that the vibe that came out at bars was different than the one that came out to guys I actually might consider dating. Some sort of “I’m so independent and confident and you don’t matter that much to me” vibe came out to those guys, and it was AWESOME. They would eat that shit up, because most of the girls they met were needy and obsessed with attention and didn’t have their own lives outside of the men they dated.

I don’t know what happened to that vibe, but I’m pretty sure it’s gone. Or it’s changed, at least. I’ve lost trust in so much of society, in so many men. The naive and fun-loving girl with no regard for consequences or heartbreak is a shadow. Now? I’m like a dried up version of my old self. A dirty towel. A used condom. I’m the girl that men date right before they find the girl they ACTUALLY want to be with. The one they use so that they can figure out exactly what they don’t want.

So, in return, I’ve become the girl that is too scared and too sick of bullshit to deal with someone new who she could potentially share something real with. The girl who instead of putting herself out there, spends time with the safe guys. The ones who aren’t a threat to her heart. For example, the married guys. Now listen. I’m not trying to DATE these guys. Please. I just never had a problem spending time with them because I always thought it was a perfect situation. I could have fun, be myself, and not worry about them trying to get in my pants. I could even be the cool single friend who’s available for their cool single friends. Win win situation, right?

Wrong.

I’ve become the girl I always hated. The one that the married men try to take home/make out with at the end of the night because they’re drunk and vulnerable. The one that these men claim that they feel “so comfortable” with, that they have “a connection” with, the one that’s “so different from other girls” and other bullshit. Yep. That’s me. Go ahead and hate me. Even I hate me.

I’ve lost so much faith in humanity, in marriage, and in myself. I thought that people were inherently good, or that they at least had good hearts in them. Now I’m not so sure. One time the guy told his significant other about me, that he had feelings for me, and that was the first time he’s even thought of someone that way outside of his relationship. They almost broke up, but then it turned out to be a “blessing in disguise” and forced them to deal with underlying issues in their relationship. Dirty towel. Another time, the guy never brought it up again. I pretend like it never happened. Used condom.

I can never tell how drunk these guys are, if they remember what they said or did, or what will happen if I ever see them again. The few times I’ve talked to friends about it, they always tell me it’s not my fault. That men are pigs and I could have never known that they would pull that shit. But at some point, it is my fault, right? Why do I get myself in these situations over and over again?

Listening to: Radiohead – All I Need